The One Who Always Knows
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, asking myself, “am I going to feel like I’m stuck at two diverged roads, contemplating which one to take forever? I’m exhausted.” Yes, having divorced parents is very hard, to say the least, especially when all their energy is focused on their hate for one another. It seemed to blind their logic, so I continue to ask myself, “are the actions and judgements of my parents really for my well-being or just in spite of the other parent?” These questions always sit in the back of my mind and linger; sometimes when these questions do arise, I want answers. I hear a knock at my bedroom door, I don’t make a sound, I disregard it. Julia, my sister, opens the door anyway. She lets out a sigh and comes to lay beside me. She interlaces her fingers into mine and gently wipes a tear that seemed to be dangling off my chin with the back of her finger.
Now, Julia is younger than me and was still a baby when my parents ended their marriage. Even though I was young too at the time, I was old enough to have the competency to form memories when life didn’t seem to follow the fairytale script. Though Julia and I didn’t really go through the exact same experience with the divorce, and even now, we don’t go through the same hassles with our parents – she knew me, truly and deeply. She is my person, my middleman (or I guess woman in this case), she understood how intricate things were, things that even now I can’t seem to explain to another person because it is so deep and complicated, but Julia always got the message I was trying to send. Julia has turned into an insider, with an outsider’s perspective. I finally break the silence, “Do you think they will ever stop hating each other, for the sake of us?” She lets out a sigh, like she was holding her breath for way too long. She turns to face me with her head resting on her hand. She locks eyes with me; preparing me for the importance of what she is about to say, “later in life when we aren’t kids anymore, they will see the error of their ways”.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, we love our parents and they each have their pros and cons like every parent does. Julia and I were lucky enough to have them both in our lives, but today just seemed like a blocking point. The issue of money for college arose, questions on who would pay for what, and it’s not like we all sat down at the table to hash out the issue out like normal people, no. Rather, it consisted of emails between them, and phone calls to me to play the role of messenger, nothing was getting fixed. Each of them has their opinion set in stone where I’m the one chiseling away to bridge my parent’s dispositions. My mom is in my ear telling me, “Lea, your father makes more money than me, you should have him pay for more,” while my dad claiming, “Lea, I give your mother child support money, she should pay more,'' the back and forth continued with each parent trying to trump the other. The image of a devil and an angel appeared on my shoulders, but they seemed to be anything but angels today. “Should I pick a side? Is one’s explanation better than the other?” but I could never do that. “This is my future, something that they both should be proud of, why can’t they just corporate for my sake?” But in that moment, it was almost like Julia read my mind “Lea, life is not fair, and though you want things to be better, you can’t change how mom and dad act towards each other. Think of this as a learning opportunity to give you strength in future obstacles. This is what you are given in this life, you have to do with the cards dealt to make the best of it.”
Once Julia seemed to be finished with this sort of speech, I realize she is right. That is why Julia is here, to keep my mind from drifting, to bring me to common sense and stability, and most importantly to make me realize that this wasn’t something I couldn’t handle or deal with. My parents craved for everything to be exactly equal and fair in their own eyes, and as the saying goes, like Julia told me, “life isn’t fair.” So, when things came to a point where it did not seem fair, one parent would back out just because of the other. She is the only person that understands; Julia is never used as a crutch but rather a guiding hand.
I snapped back into reality and realized that Julia and I were still laying here. Our fingers had gotten numb from holding hands for so long. Money for college was today’s battle and with the feeling of loneliness weighing down on me, Julia sensed it, she squeezed by hand a little tighter to remind me she is still here. College was going to be a new step in my life without my sister by my side. So, let's face it, maybe the aspect of money was not the only thing stressing me out about college because it hit me that Julia was not going to be with me anymore. “Julia, I can always count on you, right?” She sat up to look at me, “Lea, you are a best friend and sister and I'm sorry to tell you that you are never going to get rid of me,” I sighed, smiled, and let out a laugh “I love you”. She falls back down to stare at the ceiling, “plus lets be real here, we’re like the best sister duo, a sister tag game, the Savoy sister icons – the” “okay, okay, I get your point” and for the rest of that night, we laid there, in that same position where I started and talked each other’s ears off. Talks of college, life, and our future endeavors we would experience together as a “sister tag time” as Julia liked to call it.